My friend who is a sea kayaker and a member of the Trail Running Club had an accident a year ago.
He is an experienced kayaker but that day the swell from the typhoon hit his kayak when he approached the shore.
He's on a wheelchair now. Took him for 8 months to go back to work.
He's in a good spirit at least he appears so in his blog.
We ran together, ran the races, went kayaking and paddled a kayak marathon.
He likes to cock something delicious with his dutch oven.
He loves his family.
Everyone likes him and respects him.
When we heard about his accident, we all couldn't believe it.
Why him??
He emailed me to invite me to the party to celebrate one year.
So decided to go.
It requires some courage. Thinking about meeting some people would ignore me made me sick.
I had an upset stomach.
After I did my workout and I felt better.
Update:
I came home.
Glad my friend looked well.
Talked to several people to catch up. That was nice.
Still the same people did not talk to me, they even didn't looked at my way.
Tough.
I pulled all my courage to show up and I couldn't break the ice.
It's a huge iceberg.
All I could do is turn around and leave so that I won't crush and sink.
I am sorry this post is very unpleasant, gloomy one.
This is the first time I felt this gloomy since PCP started.
Back to work tomorrow.
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Cheer up, Naoko. I don't know these people or why there's an iceberg to break, but I do know that you're a beautiful, self-confident woman and that should make you proud. xo!
ReplyDeleteJenny!!!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteThank you!!!
You lifted me up! I'm in tears....
99% of me is self-confident but when 1% hits me, it really does badly.
It's so nice to know that you are there thinking of me!!
Naoko, I'm so sorry you were feeling gloomy and sad today!! I think the way you write about your friend is so sweet, and you are a thoughtful, kind person. These other people ignoring you, and the iceberg between you, are only a small part of an otherwise full, happy, positive life that you have. I hope you are already cheered up and having a great day.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Elena.
ReplyDeleteI think I was lacking the courage to break the ice.
Maybe it was my pride that refrained from talking to them.
Well, life goes on. Move forward.
You went. That's the main thing. It took courage. But you did it and that is something to feel very proud of.
ReplyDeleteOf course you feel sad for your friend. It is a tragic situation.
Being open to feelings is hard - but if you can let them flow through you it helps.
I am honored that you shared this part of your life with us. Body and soul are never separate. Our physical journey together has also been a journey of soul/spirit/mind. Just as we push past 100 jumps, so we push past places in our lives that we thought were frozen. Ice.
There is only one door to emotion. If we close it/lock it, then we are shut to all our emotions. If we want joy then we must also feel the sadness. There is no filter. It's all or nothing.
However, it is good to remember that we are not our emotions. Sadness, joy, anger - they flow through us - like a river, but we are the earth, the ground they rush over. Emotions are information. They don't need to be in charge.
A sense of detachment from emotion is something I have been working on. It doesn't mean I feel less - but that the emotions themselves don't dictate my actions.
I feel ice? I feel fear? I feel afraid to confront situations? Huh, interesting information. Doesn't mean I don't confront. Just means I know that it will be difficult and that I need to be healthy, have support around me and have courage.
It seems like this is what you did. You went to the ice with all the warmth and courage that you had. You did what you could. Next time maybe you will melt more ice - but for now - you can be at peace because you were afraid and yet it did not stop you. Like PCP you went beyond the place you thought you could go.